So, today I decided to borrow a page from George Carlin's book, and make a list of People I'm Tired of. Originally I was going to make a list of People Who Should Kill Themselves, but honestly, some of the people I'm about to describe don't quite deserve to die by their own hand, I just wish they'd be a little less shitty. A disclaimer: I'm making this list to make the three people who read this thing laugh, not because I think I'm right about anything. So please don't think I'm some angsty, self-righteous, judgemental prick...you three.
1.) People who start long conversations with me about highly specialized subjects, which they somehow assume I know about in depth. Like this one dude in one of my classes who keeps coming up to me and talking about shitty pop-punk and Industrial bands which I neither know, nor care about, and about weird horror-fan stuff which I care even less about. Usually these conversations are, like, lists of events that this dude attended, or plans to attend. Like "...and then I went up to L.A. so I could go to Fangoria's "Beast Jam '08" and I met Daz Dworkin from Coffin Comix and saw Layers of Caked Filth play with Disheveled Youth." Yawn.
2. ) People whose favorite director is Wes Anderson, favorite band is Radiohead, and favorite author is Chuck Palahniuk.
3.) People who actually believe that there are entities of varying nationalities, with varying motives, collectively known as "terrorists", who run around with nasty grins on their brown, brown faces throwing bombs, menacing young women, voting for Obama and engaging, generally, in truly meddlesome hijinks. Who further believe that these people are cowardly, freedom hating fascists whose only real objective is to make sure everyone on earth is miserable, and that the only way to eradicate this menace is to elect inhuman monsters in three-piece-suits who are tough on "national security".
4.) People who "don't take any shit", "don't give a fuck", "don't care what you think" and "don't care who knows it".
5.) Actual adults who listen to bands like Nickelback, Matchbox 20, Linkin Park, Staind, P.O.D. etc. etc. etc. (yes these people do exist).
6.) People whose voices are two to three times louder than everyone else in the room, and who love to regale me with stories of their various moral, intellectual, sexual, and physical conquests. Especially if these people slap backs, display little inhibition, and try to constantly dominate conversation.
7.) Actual adults who listen to bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Tool, the White Stripes, Incubus, and other bands which you're supposed to start liking just after you realize that Staind, Nickelback etc. are garbage, and grow out of by fourteen or so.
8.) People who have made the following statement, "How come if black people say n***er it's okay, but if I say n***er then that's racist??" Seriously, these people should kill themselves.
9.) Ellen Page.
10.) People who think Dane Cook is funny.
11.) White people who quote Chapelle show constantly, especially those that quote the "grape drink" bit. I encourage these people to look up the word "minstrelsy", and then ask themselves why Dave Chapelle decided to quit making the show.
12.) People who are genuinely surprised when I tell them I don't like cops.
13.) People who are genuinely surprised when I tell them I don't like Cops.
14.) People who sit around talking about how great cartoons were in the 90's.
15.) People who are a mere thirty seconds into a vaguely left-leaning rant when the whole thing devolves into a whiny call for marijuana to be legalized.
16.) The friends of person number thirteen, who, when he starts to do his thing, actually sing "...doon't criticiiiiize iiit!"
17.) Those credulous folks who will mention the Illuminati, the 9/11 truth movement, freemasonry, and the Jesus-Mary Magdalene connection without the slightest hint of skepticism or irony.
18.) People who really aren't all that bright, who always piss and moan about how "stupid people are". Especially if these people always tell stories about besting another person intellectually, constantly harp on other people's inferior grammar in text messages and emails, or say things like "(Person's Name) realized that he has never read a work of 'popular fiction'. Oh well, back to Finnegan's Wake". (This is an actual quote from the "status update" of someone on facebook.)
19.) Libertarians.
20.) People who really like Judd Apatow movies and talk about them constantly.
21.) People who insist that I watch/read/listen to something I couldn't give a shit less about.
and
22.) People who write nasty snarky lists and post them on their unpopular blogs.
4 comments:
23. People who say something facile and completely uncontroversial, expecting it to sound totally edgy and IN-YOUR-FAAACE. e.g. "Bush is a total dick! And have you ever noticed how he talks funny."
24. People whose families have been in this country for several generation, causing them to try and sound exotic and cultured by flexing their meager cultural identity with boring stereotypes, as in "Well of course I can drink, I'm Irish, dog!" or "What did you expect, I'm Welsh!"
hey, that's me in this post, number 18. you dick. just kidding.
but it's true...because of the necessities of school and the (justifiably) archaic confines of the english major, i have only been assigned 'classics,' or books of "literary fiction" (wait, aren't all books literary? - a nebulous inflated phrase that seems to mean a book that puts vague aesthetic issues before plot). i will be the first to admit that i'm not an overly bookish person, at least in terms of reading. for intellectual stimulation or relaxation or to pass a few minutes in the bathroom, i listen to music. as a result, i have no knowledge of or exposure to the majority of books that are published...king, grisham, and the like. (rowling is an exception). i kind of wish that i did know those things, but i don't even know where to begin.
but the thing is, for me, i have no real interest in the plot of a book. i think it's the most inconsequential part of a book; who fucking cares if someone goes from street a to street b, or from street c to street d? robert ludlum, in my mind, fully epitomizes the wholly plot-driven novel, and it just seems like a foolish waste of time. if i wanted to follow a plot, i'd watch a movie, and enjoy it a lot more.
plot driven popular fiction seems to me to be an antiquated form of entertainment that has been replaced by movies, tv, and the like. i feel that books have been left in a vacuum since then, which explains, to varying degrees, the resurgence of the short story genre, the rise of graphic novels, and weird books that play with formatting, font, and so on (i'm thinking of 'house of leaves' here).
i feel that popular fiction is a silly form of entertainment. i think that books should aim at a higher purpose, because, simply as entertainment, our society has no need for books any more (a sad thing, indeed), except for books that REQUIRE them to be books and not another genre. hence finnegans wake, a book that can only be understood as a book, and that could not never exist in another medium.
do you understand what i'm saying? these stupid little comment box is so small that i'm not even sure i do.
devin
could not never? i meant "could not ever." fuck, i don't know how to write. ugh.
26. People who are dank and rarely update their blogs.
E. R. Phmode
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